Recently in black thought Category

"Could you ever find the love that you would not place yourself above?" - 22-20s, Shoot Your Gun

We had a well stacked audience again. I hope we shut up more this year. Last year, we talked a lot. It was our first time on stage and we felt like we had a whole lot to say so there wasn't much room for questions or interaction. This year, we wanted to let people talk to us, talk with us, talk at us if need be. It worked. I still worry that I might have talked too much and that my college diversity programming leadership training kicked in and I tried to lead the discussion instead of letting the amazing Lynne D Johnson do her thing. If I was a blabbermouth, I apologize.

There's an unedited transcript by Liz Henry at badgerbag (Liz was awesome by the way on her panel today and I want the chance to talk to her more about tags, folksonomies and other "softly viral" tools that bloggers can use to become more accessible) and a wonderful write up by Kevin Lawver at ultranormal. I won't hold it against him that he likes the negrophile seemingly more than this old negro because he talks about feelings and when does a man ever really do that?

No one asked me about my "Shut up, Honky" shirt or Tiffany about her "I *heart* black people" baseball tee. I kind of wanted to have that conversation.

We did, however, talk a lot about language and audience and voice and the importance of identity online. Last year, I was on the fence about the importance of identity on the web. As I said today, I have privacy concerns. In the offline world, I'm a very private man and have struggled with what my verbosity online means for my personal & professional relationships in the "real" world. I've come to grips with that, though. I don't want a job that would be uncomfortable with the content of my blog. I'm willing and ready to defend or talk about things I've written about my family and friends on this blog and if i'm not, please read the blogger's disclaimer and cram to understand.

There were great questions about how knowing who my audience is might now change the way I write and about Black vernacular English. There was discussion of angry words and online beef and the differences in responsibility and protection between the citizen journalist and the media professional. Aaron Hawkins's name was invoked again and I was honored to be able to speak loudly and proudly about his voice, spirit and uppitiness in the presence of Dru and Irina Slutsky (who eulogized Aaron at Red Herring) .

I have to admit that when I met Dru yesterday, I was caught a little off guard. My connection to her, which has waned since his death, will forever be linked to him and a lot of "stuff" came rushing back. It has been a pleasure to be able to see her and get to know her more offline and to begin to build a new relationship that moves past Aaron.

Bonus: Dru has a great liveblog of the panel as well.

But anyway, I still have pretty much a whole week here in Austin but I've already started to think about some things differently. I want to do a lot more for web professionals of color. Blogher and it's power and presence has really inspired me. I want similar tools, resources and community for those who look like me but don't show up here or at eTech or CES or at barcamps or the other places where smart folks like us should be. Not only for the professional connections it affords us but simply because it is a good time, it is an opportunity to collaborate and learn and because I'm guessing, based on a lot of the conversations I've had this year, we afrofuturists/black geeks don't often get the chance to interact with like minded folks.

And we need more opportunities like tonight where we all can get together and dance to our favorite jams, laugh and be comfortable in our own skin.

And to have the opportunity to share with others who don't look like us, make and further those connections and have honest discussions about culture and technology.

We need more time to stop. collaborate. and listen.

"Watch how you talk, watch where you walk, nigga" - Mr. Cheeks, Supposed To (featuring Floetry)

We're just under two months shy of the anniversary of Aaron's death. In a week, it will be exactly a year from our last conversation (online, of course. It was a Saturday night. We talked Justice League Unlimited and our shared curse of falling in love with "crazy" women). This week, I've been thinking a lot about how I've interacted with the online world, the blog world, since his passing.

In general, I've disconnected from my emotional connection with a lot of the 'virtual' people. This space has become far less intimate. With LAist (and at work), I've turned blogging into a job. It is a job I love and enjoy but it is no longer a complete digital representation of who I am.

It wasn't by design, necessarily. I made a conscious decision to detach a bit. I couldn't deal with the weirdness of attempting to deal with the very real emotions of anger, sadness and frustration in this unreal place. I simply no longer wanted to read and write about my friend who died in a way I can't, don't and won't understand.

And, apparently, I didn't want to risk feeling trapped like a ghost in a machine again. I haven't made any new strictly online friends in that time. I read fewer and fewer blogs that act as diaries. With rare exception, I've pulled back from old virtual relationships. Not by design, necessarily, but I've been protecting myself.

I realized that this week as another blog world birthday approached and I was at a loss for words. At a loss for connection and relavence. I felt separate, am separate, from most of those with whom I once talked with every day.

Hell, I don't even write in my livejournal anymore and only like 5 people read that.

I'm not sure if I'm hiding, if I've just found the balance between the real world and this one that works for me or if this will pass and I'll return to the journal with bloggish tendencies that negro please once was.

I seriously doubt the latter.

I miss it and I don't.

It's almost a year since Aaron died and  359 days since he and I last talked and I'm just taking stock of how weird this virtual world has gotten for me without him in it.

"Now all the teachers couldn't reach me and my mama couldn't beat me" - Jay-Z, December 4th

My sister performed as the lead in her high school's production of Up the Down Staircase this weekend. Their play is based on the 1967 film about a young teacher's first year at an inner city school in New York . It's the blueprint (almost exactly in some cases) for other flicks that followed like Wildcats and Dangerous Minds (and even Lean on Me to some degree) and the TV series, Welcome Back, Kotter.  The point of the dramatic elements of the story is the idea that  in this world of chaos and bureacracy and fear and economic and social turmoil, that these kids are searching for someone to geuninely care, to not dissapoint them the way that so much of their world has, and to show them a way. They go up the down staircase because they don't know any other way to go.

Being in a high school auditorium in hard wood chairs among fifteen to eighteen year olds, I realized that I'm an adult. I leaned over to my mother and said, "This is why I don't have kids...they never shut up." I mentally tsk-tsked girls in pants slung too low on their butts and boys mistaking obnoxiousness and bravado for confidence. I remembered how big that world was when I was in it and how small a world it is to me now. I marveled at the significance of it all for these 300 people in the auditorium and how seriously they take the roles and norms in this space.

I left during intermission and went to my car. I had a bouquet of flowers for my sister. I returned and attempted to enter through the door nearest the street. I was through the doorway when a woman said, "Oh, I'm not allowed to let anyone in this way." I looked at her for a moment wondering if the whole point of the play we all were attending was lost on her. I wanted to ask if she saw any irony at watching a play where unnecessary discipline was consistently being mocked and played for comedy while being a monitor for a rule that served no purpose. Instead I chuckled and walked back through the entrance that had become an exit.

My sister was wonderful as Sylvia Barrett. She's not the most nuanced actress yet but her emotional connection with the audience is strong and natural. She makes the role hers. She never breaks character. In a company of kids much more comfortable with the comedy than the drama, she's able to give some scenes with no dramatic weight a little power. I'm gushing and biased but it's true.

The question now is which path will she take? There aren't any clearly marked staircases and doorways before her. Choices abound with risks in all.

And no gatekeeper guarding the way.

"The world is mine can't you see, I'm just trying to be all I can be." - The Notorious B.I.G. (featuring Too $hort & Puffy), The World is Filled (Life After Death)

Humiliated, Angry, Ashamed, Brown. Just read it. I have no words.

(found via punkassbitch.com)

"I know you're pissed cuz all your shots even miss the back board." - Rae & Christian w/ The Pharcyde, It Ain't Nothing [buy the album]

Okay, while trying to figure out what I was going to do with my recent windfall of cash, a friend made the suggestion that I could donate some funds to Kerry/Edwards. The mere thought filled me with dread. There are a hundred things I'd rather donate money to than a political campaign this year. Then, the next day, a friend told me she was going to a moveon.org event. "There's a request for donations. I'll give if it's going to the MoveOn PAC but I don't know what I'll do if it's directly for the Kerry/Edwards campaign. I don't like Bush but I don't know about Kerry." And, you know what? I completely understood the sentiment.

I'm voting for Kerry come November but I'm not at all excited about it. I'm resigned to the fact that this is the best option I have. I'm trying, though. To that end, I jumped at the opportunity to get MoveOn's The Kerry Kit: Reasons to Believe and Tools to Win and learn why I should be all about the new JFK. Yeah, it doesn't do the trick.

The DVD features a featurette from Going Upriver: The Long War of John Kerry, a biographic film about Kerry and the Vietnam War. It's incredibly boring. Can't we license a little music for this puppy? The first part deals with the heroism that the swift boat ads are trying to crap all over. I don't know how you can make war action uninteresting but George Butler manages to. Then we are told about the greatness of his speech before congress and, well, I'm still bored to tears. If that is the watershed moment for us to connect with Kerry as a leader, it's not nearly enough. Besides that...it was 32 years ago. With all the things to talk about that have happened in the last 4 years, why are we talking about Vietnam?

Then we get John Kerry's speech at the Rainboy/PUSH Coalition from 2 short months ago. Reverend Jesse Jackson introduces him with less than inspired oratory. He does have a cute joke about a lo-CARB (Cheney-Ashcroft-Rumsfeld-Bush) diet with just a little bit of Rice that I smiled at and then John Kerry arrives to put us all to sleep. He starts talking about Vietnam again almost immediately but what I'm struck by is how sunken in his eyes are in his skull. Every time he looks down, his eyes disappear and are replaced with dark holes of death. He looks like a zombie and it's creeping me out. He makes mention of Danny Davis and how articulate he is (and I groan audibly wondering why we can't use other words like eloquence or outspoken or advocate or something other than marvelling at how well the man speaks. He's an elected member of the federal government, I sure as hell hope he speaks well) and then goes on forever and ever with a speech with no passion . I'm sure he's saying some very smart things but, my god, I could go into a coma listening to him tell it. I can't even finish the speech. The droning is making me violent.

So, we jump to the MoveOn.Org Ads and I'm thinking, "Here we go. The good stuff!" as I've watched much of the artistic, clever, and timely ads that they have put online. These ADs however? I'm not impressed. The first deals with Kerry vs. Bush and their Vietnam records. Take a drink every time someone mentions Vietnam. And maybe because I live in California and both candidates already know how we're going to vote as a state so I never see any national political ad campaigns but is this really what gets people? Someone imitating George Bush's voice and saying corny stuff while there's a giant "George Bush's voice being intimidated" and at the end of the ad, after Richard Clarke is quoted heavily, it says, "Richard Clarke doesn't endorse this message." Do these really change people's minds or help them decide? The "Round Table" Ad did have it's moments though.

So, now I'm left with the print materials, and these are actually damn good. They highlight the differences between the two candidates platforms. They give the 10 things Kerry wants to accomplish in his first 100 days and I agree with all of them. They also provide two powerful articles about why Kerry is a great candidate for president.

Which has me thinking that John Kerry should just never make another tv appearance because obviously there's a disconnect somewhere between the TV John Kerry and the actual John Kerry.

But, still, I'm not excited. I'm still sitting here as an "Anybody but Bush" Kerry Supporter.

"I've got a feeling, it's automatic" - Zoot Woman, It's Automatic [buy the album]

Now it's entirely possible that I'm feeling especially grrr arrgh today after reading Birth of a Nation, almost completing Where You're At?, watching the Hawk & Dove episode of JLU, and getting ready to watch The Weather Underground but something's been in my craw this evening and I don't think I'll be able to sleep unless I get it out.

I don't begrudge you your political choices. Truly I don't. I might think you're out of your ever-loving mind but, you know, that's what makes America great or so I've been told.

What I do begrudge is this: I don't understand how in one breath you can praise the wonders and joys of our mutual lovely gay friends deciding to join hands in non-matrimony (because there are some rights still not afforded to them) and in the very next breath say, "I'm supporting George Bush and Dick Cheney for election this year."

I don't like to equate different movements because it muddies thing but it would be analogous to young Harry Burn, a legislator in 1920 Tennessee, an anti-suffragist who had voted against a woman's right to vote in the past, waking up on the day when Tennessee would vote on whether to ratify the 19th Amendment and maintaining his anti-suffragist attitude despite his mother's desire to vote.

He'd essentially be saying, "I love you, Mom, but fuck you, I'm going with the folks that don't think you should have the same rights as me."

On that day, he couldn't give his mom the middle finger.

And yet here we are, driving down this virtual street -- together, I thought -- and you're flipping off all these people I love.

What kind of shit is that?

"Ev'ry time I think I've had enough and start heading for the door" - The Jacksons, Never Can Say Goodbye [buy the album]

Parts 1 and 2 by me. Now, the supplemental from Africana.com's Brown-Eyed Girl.

I had my own dreams of holding elected office some day, and I dreamed big. I thought I could be President my damn self… now that I see the kind of scrutiny that these candidates undergo I know I don't have a snowball's chance in hell, but it's all good. I don't want that job any more. I want to do something that may actually make a difference.

Vote, yes, but do more than that.

"Walk with me reminisce in my life" - Estelle, 1980 (courtesy of said the gramophone)

That Estelle joint up there is the jam. THE JAM. You can talk about your Welcome Back's and your Lean Back's all you want, I'm going back to 1980 with Estelle.

I lied yesterday. Bill Clinton was the magick. Barack Obama is the magick! Read the speech. I was listening on the radio as I drove home from work and had to pull into the grocery store parking lot and just sit and pay attention. Mr. Obama coupled with Howard Dean's real talks (not that convention stuff, let's Take Back America) was some inspiring, moving oratory. If Mr. Obama is the future of the party and Dean is driving the bus then maybe I can stick around for awhile.

Lurch better come correct, though. Both the old blood and the new have been on point when they got their chances to speak this week. The real question for me is whether or not John Kerry can take this chance to really define himself, his party, and his Vision for America in real terms? The opportunity is right there for him.

The Afro-Netizen was finally moved while blogging the convention. I think this kind of writing is what bloggers should be doing while at the DNC. Don't try to be journalists or the quirky web pundits or the bored with nothing to say. Be the everyman or woman who is getting to experience something first hand that few get the chance to. Blogs are about feelings and perspective and voice.

"Throw away yesterday, today is a brand new day." - Sia, The Church of What's Happening Now [buy the album]

Disenchanted? Cynical? Pessimistic?

When did this happen to me?

I've always been the optimist. I could see the promise in our political process and the framing of this country. I love the ideas of political action and involvement. I think voting is important and think that if our voices could just be heard that our leadership would respond.

So why can't I find the spark to be more involved in this, our "most important election" in recent times?

Oh sure, I write to my senators when an important vote is coming to tell them how I would like them to vote. I get my MoveOn.org emails and participate when I see the relavence. I read Arianna Online and I get a little tinge of hope from Music For America and Involver 04 but...but what?

I was thinking about all the energy surrounding Fahrenheit 9/11 and the impetus to get people out to see it and, I don't know. I felt like it was so lame, so cliche liberal. A girl remarked to her friend on the escalator after the screening, "Why do all these people need a movie to tell them that war is bad? And so what now that they all know that 'war is bad'...what are they going to do about it? When are people fuckin' going to do something?"

I off-handedly mentioned in an email to some friends that I thought it was Armchair Activism. A bunch of people going to see a movie because that was going to show the powers that be that they were serious. Let's have a house party where we sit around and discuss the film and pat ourselves on the back on how we know the truth. Let's organize a nationwide bake sale to raise money for John Kerry's campaign. Yay, we're liberals. Rah rah fuckin' rah.

See the cynicism? Where the fuck did that come from?

But, it's interesting, the only time I get email from the democratic party is when they want money. They don't send me emails telling me about the issues that should be important to me locally and nationally. They don't send me emails about the programs and policies that they are working on that they need support for. They don't inform me of companies that support the Republican Party and why they do so or, even better, the companies that support the Democratic Party and/or progressive causes and why they are important. For that I need Utne Reader and Mother Jones Journal.

Why should I care about John Kerry or the Democrats? I'm not a liberal, I'm a fuckin' progressive. I don't want to do politics, I want to do something. Something that matters. Truly, the last 4 years have made me want to be less involved in the political process, not more.

S-Train talked about the "Don't Cares"...I'm not quite there but, damn, if I'm just disillusioned with the whole system. So rarely do I hear politicians talk about people anymore. I never hear politicians make real demands of the American people or say something of substance. I'm so fuckin' soundbited out that I want to scream.

I'm desperate for some leadership. Clamoring for it, really. I want more Arianna's. Not just a policy wonk or a pundit or a talking head. I want some real down in the trenches work for the future.

I want somebody to make me pay attention. To get me up out of this arm chair and act.

Because, I'm sorry, I love all you bright eyed Move On folks and everything but damn, I'm really not trying to come to your houses with my little name tag and talk about the genius of Michael Moore.

I want some better shit to do.

I am trying to find some spark.

I don't want to feel this way.

In these difficult times, I want to have feelings of optimism and be called upon to do more and be more.

"We can do well in this country. We will have difficult times; we've had difficult times in the past; we will have difficult times in the future. It is not the end of violence; it is not the end of lawlessness; it is not the end of disorder.

But the vast majority of white people and the vast majority of black people in this country want to live together, want to improve the quality of our life, and want justice for all human beings who abide in our land.

Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world.

Let us dedicate ourselves to that, and say a prayer for our country and for our people" - Senator Robert Kennedy

"I'm Talkin' about Freedom, ya'll/Oh what a wonderful world this would be/If everyone could live free" - Syl Johnson, I'm Talkin' Bout Freedom [buy the album]

Freedom of Speech

Freedom of Song

Download Freedom (radio edit) - ObaFunke

Freedom of Thought
Hmmm. It's coming. I'm not quite sure what I want to say on this Independence Day. There's a lot that's been weighing on my mind as we look toward November. I'm still mulling it over. Maybe I'll have thoughts tomorrow.

For now, It's the 4th of July. Eat something grilled outside.

We're cookin' with gas, ya'll.