What I remember is the smile. She wasn't cheesin', a huge overwhelming grin on her face, teeth and all. No, most often it was simple and relaxed. The corners of her lips upturned. Her head bent slightly down, her eyes looking inward...when not stealing glances at me.
What I remember is not taking that smile for granted. "What," I would ask turning towards her. I'd smile back of course. I am nothing if not the dimples and the joy of the moment. And, these moments, in this random space in which she and I are the only two people in the world, I want there to be no bullshit. I would look her in the eyes. I would be direct. I would be, to ape Bernie Mac, For-motherfuckin'-real.
What I remember is thinking, while we might be at play, I'm not playing games.
What I remember is the often external quiet covering my internal combustion.
What I remember is her little dance. Tiny shoulder bounce. A little head nod. On SYTYCD this summer, it would've been the Snuggles sponsored "Happy Dance."
What I remember is SYTYCD judge Mia Michaels appearing in my head regularly and saying her signature, "That was amaz- AMAZING."
What I remember are the things I did say because there weren't things I left unsaid.
What I remember is how much I enjoyed having the opportunity to do for someone.
What I remember are things said face to face (nose to nose, body part to body part) under 140 characters and knowing that's as far as they would go.
What I remember is trust and honesty and intimacy and hilarity. I remember feeling sure and safe and open and ready for the world. I remember smells and tastes and sounds and sweat and exhaustion and my goodness, the laughter.
What I remember are the laughs. Such a simple thing sharing my favorite comedy special with someone. Watching the Daily Show with someone. Passing links to someone sitting not 10 feet away. Cracking jokes at the most inopportune moments.
What I remember is holding hands.
What I remember are the ears. the dress. the shirt. the hair.
What I remember is the missing belt.
What I remember are the shenanigans.
What I remember is hearing songs I know well and feeling like I was hearing them for the first time.
What I remember is wanting to play it cool but revealing I'm a sap.
What I remember is not being afraid.
What I remember could fill a book. But like the man said, the game is to be sold not to be told.
And what I remember ain't going to help me at all while we try to figure out what the hell happens next.
now playing: still a friend of mine by incognito
